Diplomatic – skilled at dealing with sensitive matters or people
I spoke to two head teachers today about how they deal with potentially difficult situations with parents. It was interesting that they both almost used exactly the same words: “If you feel you need to “win” you’ve actually lost” Their point was that we need to be sensitive about parental concerns and use a set of very sophisticated skills to allay their fears/concerns but also explain what it is we are trying to do. However, both pointed out that these skills do not come naturally to all people but need to be learned.
In this respect I’ll never forget the lessons I learned from Ron McDonald, former depute head teacher at Earlston High School. I would see parents go into his room raging and leave with a smile on their face having been treated with courtesy, empathy and understanding. Yet Ron was no walkover and made his own points clearly but without any pomposity or superiority which so often upsets parents.
One of the heads today used a phrase I’ve never heard before ”spread breadcrumbs on the water and pan loaves will come floating back” in other words go out of your way to help, support and understand and to resolve problems – no matter how small they might seem – and you will be rewarded ten fold. I recall watching a former colleague from my dim and distant past who adopted a quite different approach – “I am the expert” – he used to say – “if I give way to them and show weakness they will never be away from the door and walking all over us”. He was my superior and I could never get it across to him that he was making his job (and mine) even harder as parents knew he wouldn’t listen or take their concerns seriously – the outcome - tension, poor relationships and stress within the school and the community.
I reckon I’ve been exceptionally fortunate to have had a mentor like Ron McDonald – but what if you’ve never been lucky enough to see how it can be done? If all you’ve ever known is an overly assertive and, ironically, defensive approach then how do you change your practice? In my chats today we thought that conflict resolution would be a really useful topic to explore at one of our head teacher conferences.
Interesting for Head Teachers, interesting for teachers, interesting for all of us. Ego comes into this, I’m sure, and it would seem that learning humility in the line of fire is one of the most valuable skills we can learn.
When headteachers don’t stand up to unreasonable demands and complaints from parents, it’s the ordinary teachers who lose. Appeasement is not a WIN-WIN situation.
There’s an assumption in what you’ve written there that all parents have unreasonable demands – that’s not true. Where demands are unreasonable a Head Teacher – anyone – can still get a result that, at least, keeps them happy without undermining the teacher.
Oldandrew, thanks for your comment.
I do think head teachers need to stand up to unreasonable demands from parents – it’s how you do it that matters. Do you reckon that all parental complaints are spurious?
PS – I’ve taken a look at your blog and wonder how you can still go into school every morning. If things were as bad as that for me I’d have given up teaching years ago. Is there no hope for education in England? – or do you think it’s the same for all state secondary education in the UK?
I don’t believe all parental complaints are spurious.
I just can’t remember hearing any, ever, that weren’t.
I get up every morning because I want to make a difference (although I’m told that wears off eventually). I don’t think there is no hope with regard to education in England. Quite the opposite, I think that if what is currently going on was publicised and acted upon by government it wouldn’t be too difficult to improve.
I can’t really comment on the rest of the UK, not having worked there, but I know there are one or two Scottish teachers that have posted coments on my blogs relating similar experiences to mine, so I don’t imagine it can be completely different up there, but I know a few things are better.
….And yes I have noticed that I spelt comment incorrectly. It was a typo not ignorance. Honest.
“I don’t believe all parental complaints are spurious.
I just can’t remember hearing any, ever, that weren’t.”
Fighting talk… Or maybe arrogance? I’m sure Parent with Standards & the Parent of a bullied child would have something to say about this. Perhaps it’s only those parents who are also teachers who will have a complaint that is not spurious.
My last 3 complaints:
- A parent who accused me of hitting their son (I hadn’t even touched him, the accusation was a result of him vebally abusing me and my telling him I’d talk to his parents about it).
- A parent who accused me repeatedly of setting no homework (their daughter had been given over 10 homeworks and done none of them, even when her form tutor gave her additional copies of those same homeworks)
- A parent who complained I was picking on his daughter because whenever she yelled at me I followed the school discipline policy.
All parents acting to blame the teacher for their child’s poor behaviour. It’s not arrogance to be disillusioned about this. Two out of the three attempted to enter the school without an appointment and confront me.
In my entire teaching career the most common parental complaints I’ve encountered (about any teacher) have been:
- The setting of homework for children that never do it when it is set.
- “Personality clashes” where parents want their badly behaved, lazy child moved away from a teacher that will expect them to work and behave.
- Huffing and puffing over “assaults” by teachers that invariably turn out to mean that a teacher has defended him or herself (or others) from a violent child.
I have seen complaint-worthy behaviour by teachers (drunk teachers, teachers that swear at kids). These rarely result in parental complaints.
I find as a parent that I agree with the statement “If you feel you need to “win” you’ve actually lost”. I think this should be reflected on from both the education authorities and parents side. .
I totally disagree with any previous comments that there are no valid complaints.
I have a child with additional support needs.
I have just won and lost. I never wanted to win or lose. I just wanted what was right. An arrogant HT pushed me to the “win” proposition.
I am left feeling “hollow” that the mistrust I felt, and complained about, is correct. I am worried that having complained people will feel wary of me in the future, this leaves me empty. These people I now worry about (those teachers, head teachers, etc.) I have to continue to entrust the care of all my children to. At some point I have to interact with them.
Bread crumbs would have been better.