What we did on our holidays
August 23rd, 2008 by mumbleIts the start of a new term. I’m sure you’ve noticed. You can tell by the way your alarm clock goes off alarmingly early, and that the instrument for surgically removing the children from the darker reaches of their beds has had to be brought out again.
It is that time of year when it is normal for your children to be asked to give an account of what they have been up to while out from under the beady eye. The introduction of your child to its new teacher. The sorting of the sweet from the chav. It is the piece of work to be entitled ‘What I did on my holidays’, or ‘How good are your parents’. AAAAARGH!
There is of course, the mini version of this, the News Book. To give you some idea of what we are up against in WIDOMH, let me give you some selected excerpts from last years News Book.
3.9.07. In the weekend I played starwars episode 3 with my brother. We had a few versus. He won most of them (not surprising).
10.9.07 At the weekend I played Starwars 3 with my big brother (again). He won most (again) not surprising (again).
8.10.07 At the weekend I played on PS2 (Playstation 2). The game was Battlefront 2. It was fun.
[Teacher's comment; I'm sure you did more than just play on your PS2]
5.11.07 At the weekend I lost the remote control (my brother was mad at me for losing it cause we couldn’t play the PS2). I looked for the remote control.
[Teacher's comment. I'm glad you lost the remote!]
1, 2, skip a few in very, very much the same vein.
Cut to Christmas.
The child had moaned mightily about these news books. At the end of term he cracked and asked crossly “Why do the teachers have to be so nosy? Why do they always want to know what we did?”.
I put on my wise parent hat - usually lost somewhere in the darker reaches of the cupboard. (If I’d seen his news book by this point I’d have left it in there). “Well Child.” I said “It is like this. The teachers don’t actually care what you did. What they care about is that you can write it in sentences and spell it properly. They ask what you did because a. they think you children will be interested in it and b. you all know the answer so instead of sitting staring into space thinking what you could put you can spend the time putting it into sentences and spelling it right. If it bothers you that they’re being nosy, you can make something up”.
“What?” says he “you mean I can like…lie?”
“Well yes. Within reason. As long as you do it in sentences. And spelt right. That’ll probably be fine.” His face lit up, and I have to say, I felt good.
It was that conversation which, apparently, explains the following:
21.01.08 At the weekend I played PS2 on Jak 3. Now I’ve got far energy to get back into Haven city and have all the dark eco powers plus three of the light eco powers. I also have a jetboard, full blue gun set and full yellow gun set.
“I didn’t!” says he with an evil grin, when he is showing me his news book at the end of the year “I’ve only got TWO of the dark eco powers! And I don’t have the full blue gun set either. That was a lie!”
I’ve had trouble with these news books before. A previous child, on a weekend where we had not only taken them to the beach, not only had two of the favourite friends over for the night, but also taken said friends to the zoo, put what? “I had a shower and my mummy made me wash my hair, which I did NOT like”. Alongside a dark and angry picture of said child in the shower. Which I have to say, I did NOT like.
So this summer, let me tell you what we did. We did not bathe our toes in the shiny briny, take in any shows at the Festival or invite anyone round at all. We did not explore any caves, visit any grandparents or dip in any ponds whatsoever. We did not trouble the swimming pool, parks, and certainly did not try any of the activities in the ELC brochure. Oh no. We hit the lights, pulled shut the curtains, ordered in the chocolate, red bull and pizza, and played the playstation. All day all night all summer. And no-one will tell you any different.

