MotherSoup

Whence the archaic practice of the school photograph?

It was around in my schooldays, and technology aside, little seems to have changed. The call-out from your classroom, the production line mentality, the sky-blue background set up in the school hall…

I have to confess that I’ve never quite ‘got’ the whole thing. Maybe it doesn’t help that the examples we see most frequently on TV are inevitably and poignantly associated with some lost or deceased youngster. But even so, I’ve rarely seen one of these portraits that bursts with charm.

But for the first time this year I really tried to buy into the whole process. I threatened Offspring with dire consequences if they mussed up hair or splattered cereal. I joined with another Mum in an SAS-style manoevre to get ourselves to the front of the queue without (gasp) breaking the rules. Offspring were called from class and combined with pre-school Offspring in a winsome grouping. But the megawatt smiles were not forthcoming in a rowdy and distracting hall, and the photographer was working against the clock and was clearly determined to persuade me that what I was seeing on her instant laptop view was ‘lovely’. I gave up - at least I knew not to expect too much when the proofs came through.

There are relatives for whom this sort of picture seems to be the done thing, so I thought I’d order a couple for them, at least. Do the schools get a cut of the takings? I do hope so, but I’d like to know, and I’d like to know the proportions too… But I’m baffled by the bizarre numerology involved in ordering: you can’t pick and choose, oh no. Only one large picture per pack - if you want any more big ones, you have to accept bookmarks, keyrings and enough little photos to paper your bathroom with. Why? It’s clearly all sorted by computer now, so it can’t be that hard. If you go online to order via the company website you get some (I stress *some*) more flexibility - but you pay a premium for it. It made filling out a tax return seem easy by comparison.

I wonder if the business has suffered since the advent of digital photography? Studio-style photos can only really be a memory of a person - not a time. As I write this (laptop, sofa, rare child-free moment) I’m looking at a recent photo in a frame on the mantelpiece: a wider family grouping on a day to cherish, a chance to be together which we thought might never be possible again. I’m glad we spent it out of doors having fun - even in the rain - rather than posing in front of a false blue sky in a studio.